Recovery is Slow, Slow, Slow

I have not posted in a long while and I am not sure because of my lack of posting if anyone is still out there listen, but, if not, I can talk to myself and can go back in the future to remind myself of what I was thinking and feeling.

Looking at the title of this blog, you might think that I am complaining about my recovery. I am not really complaining as much as I am surprised. I really thought by now I would be recovered with some minor difficulties. And in reality, I can get around and do pretty much anything I set my mind to except running. The pain is what is aggravating. The pain stops me in my tracks and I really hate that. I can take all of the pain meds I want to take and the pain never goes away. How annoying and frustrating. I have a new appreciation for people who live with daily pain. It is always there. It never leaves. It is like a ball and chain around your neck, constantly pulling you down.

Recently, I have not been doing my workouts as much as I should be. Nor have I been losing weight like I need to. Those 2 things will help in dealing with the pain, I am sure. So why in the world am I not doing these 2 things? Oh, I can come up with a long list of excuses, but it all boils down to laziness. I know what I must do, yet I don't do it. Sound familiar?

There is one bit of of sunshine in this whole thing. As of Dec 15, I am off disability and I can go back to work full-time!

So here are my goals. I need to lose 50 to 60 lbs. I need to work out 3+ times per week. Pray that I will do this! I will post again in a month and let you know how I am doing.

Lesson #26

Helping people who are in a crisis is wonderful, but you must continue to follow-up after the initial crisis is over.

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I still struggle with this one today...despite the fact that it is in my list of lessons learned.

It is so easy to run to the aid of a friend in the moment of crisis. I can testify that we would not have made it had it not been for everyone who rallied around us at that very moment. We still have a few people rallying around us and we are still amazed by their love!

But, the momentum of crisis soon wears off and then things tend to go back to a state we consider normal. We check in from time to time on those who are in the post-crisis mode, asking if there is anything we can do for them. And on most occasions, they tell us no, there is nothing you can do. But I am here to say this is just not true! There is something you can do. Drop by their house. Go visit...you don't need an invitation...just go. Right now, Robbie and I have friends who are in the throngs of difficulty. The initial momentum of crisis is over, yet the aftermath of crisis is very difficult and trying. The fires of tribulation are still there. And yes, we ask the standard question, "what can we do to help", and honestly, there is very little that can be done at that moment...there is very little we can do to take their burden away. But Robbie is the one who revealed to me just tonight...she said this, "you know what I wanted the most while we were in our fire?" I said, "no, what was that?" She said, "I wanted someone to stop by, say hello, hug us, love us, even if I could not tell to come and do this." She continued, "I know there was nothing more they could do but pray and say I love you, but a personal visit...that means a lot!" Let me tell you, people have done this for us and now we must do the same for our friends. So we are going to change our strategy! Why, because we love these friends so much...we have a convenant friendship with them and we must be there at the moment of crisis, during the crisis and well after the crisis; especially afterwards because that is when most people begin to walk away and get back to their lives.

So what is the bottom line here? Am I whining? Am I complaining? Heavens NO! I am sharing with you a lesson that I learned....and for that matter still refining and learning as of today.

Just because time has marched on does not mean post-crisis people don't continue to have needs that must be met by all of us!

We must walk from the beginning to the end with those we cherish the most!!

Lesson #25

My Wife is My Best and Closest Friend In The World!

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There is no doubt in my mind that this is a true statement. Robbie has been there every step of the way, from my fall to my healing, she has been a constant rock from which I draw strength. She has been a trooper, diligently working hard to make my healing the best it can be. She has helped me in so many ways, I know that I would not be where I am right now, had it not been for her. Of course, her strength came from God Himself...and I am so thankful to Him for giving her to me. I am so blessed, so loved and so twitter-patted (sp?) by her. There is no doubt she is my soul-mate, the one created specifically for me. I am so thankful that I am still alive and here to enjoy her company and love.

Robbie, thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! You still capture my heart and soul and I am so in love with you, more today than I have ever been. My God richly bless you for all that you have done for me!

I love you,

Russ

One Year Anniversary Happy Feet Day 2009

The day has come, my one year anniversary! It just doesn't feel like a year has passed yet Robbie tells me that it most definitely has been a year!

It has been really hard on Robbie. She has struggled a great deal with all that we have dealt with this past year. I know she is very thankful for what God has done in our lives. It makes me sad to know that she has been sad, yet I know that God has used this situation to teach us some very valuable stuff. For this I am very grateful!

Today was relatively quiet. There were no big celebrations. No big parties. No big hoorays. Collier greeted me with a musical card or "song card" as he calls them. It had a picture of 2 feet on the front of it and it played the song, "I get knocked down, but I get up again, cause you're never gonna keep me down!" I laughed and I cried. It was fun!

Then I got a text message for a very dear friend who too was remembering my day. Then it was off to church to worship God. Robbie's parents, sister and husband joined us in worship today and then it was off to lunch to celebrate. Robbie's mom deemed it "Happy Feet" day. Robbie calls it Survival Celebration Day. Whatever you call it, it is a Praz God Day!

Then we got home from lunch and Robbie presented me with a memorial gift. It was sweetly inscribed and it has a clock and photo of my family in it. It is beautiful and it will sit on my desk as a reminder of how God is so Good! Thanks Robbie...I love you!

I spent a good portion of the day looking at the clock, recalling each hour (what I could recall) of this day 1 year ago. I am so thankful that I am not there right now. So glad to be home and walking again. I have also gone back through this blog to recount the crazy events. So amazing to see the path God has allowed me to travel!

I get to see my Ortho doc this week for the first time in 6 months. I am sure we will x-ray again and chat about healing. I am about 80% there. But our continual prayer is for complete healing! And it will come in time, I have no doubt. Then I can go back to work!! Hurray!

Thank you again to all of you who have prayed for me and my family, who continue to take the time to read this blog and for giving thanks to our God for His blessings. He is really amazing and powerful!

Take care and I will post later this week to tell you how my doc appt went!

I love you all very much!

Russ

Lesson #24

People say the craziest things to you. I guess they are trying to find a way to connect or they are completely blind to your situation.

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I have probably posted this example already, but I have to mention it again because I will never forget it. When people learn about your situation, they want to connect to it in some way. The most common way is for them to tell you about a similar situation they were in or someone they know had a similar situation. I have heard just about every story there is about falling, broken feet, broken ankles, etc. But the one that tops the cake is the one where a man told me about his dog having some kind of broken foot. He was so serious as he was telling me his story and the whole time I was just laughing inside. How did my situation equate with his dog's situation. I was very thankful that this guy was concerned about me and my healing and he was indeed very sincere, but trying to mesh together his story and my story was just humorous at best.

A lady at Tops Shoes who was helping me buy new shoes just a month ago. She was talking and talking and finally asked me why I was replacing all of the shoes. I gave her a brief summary of my accident and she said, "ah that's no big deal, I fell through my attic too and just came out with a few bruises." Needless to say, I had to immediately leave the store. She had no clue how ignorant her words were. I left angry! I went home, asked God to forgive me for my anger and then went back to buy some shoes. I did tell her that her words were very distasteful and that she should be more considerate. She apologized and sold me $250 worth of shoes.

The moral of the story here is that people, including myself, don't always think about what they (I) say to people who are hurting. We should spend more time listening and being quiet!

By the way, thanks for listening!

Reminders

Right now, I have some very dear friends who are in the middle of a VERY BIG storm in their lives. Their new baby girl has a severe heart defect. They have been in the hospital for many weeks. I wish I could take all of their pain away. But I can't. I watch them going through this and I see God at work in BIG WAYS! It reminds me of how God worked and continues to work in my storm.

I am so thankful that I am able to help them in ways that I could not before because of what God taught me during my storm. Praise you God!

Lesson #23

There is NO bad change, only good!

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Ok, that may be a strange statement, but yet it is true. I was meditating on this topic not long after coming home from the hospital. I was looking at my life before my accident and then looking at what was before me. I quickly saw that things had drastically changed. Nothing was the same. And then I began to judge whether the change was good or bad. At first glance, you would automatically say, "well, this change is bad!" I did. Who wanted to be in a wheel chair and be told that you would never walk unassisted again. Who really wants to go to the bathroom in a portable potty? NOT ME!

So really, it was gloom and doom. Even though I knew I would not be in the wheel chair forever, I really did not like the change that had come to my life. So I began to pray and read the Bible. I remembered verses that state, "if God be before me who can be against me." And, "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." And then I read verses that talk about God molding and making us into the likeness of his son. Then it dawned on me. You know, if God is really sovereign over all things, then nothing happens without his permission. Therefore, all change is good. I may not like the change. It may not feel good at the time it happens, but in the end, all changes are used by God to make me more like His son. Therefore, I must count it all joy.

"ALL THINGS work together for THE GOOD of them who love God and who are called according to his purposes."

So, change is good.

Using What I Have Learned

I have been sharing with you the things that God has been teaching me during this ordeal. There are 30 specific things on my list so far. I will share a couple of more in a few minutes.

Right now, I want to share with you how I am using what I have learned. I know I have said this many times in this blog, yet I have to say it again, one of the biggest lessons I learned was that you must stick closer than a brother to your dearest friends, especially when they need you the most. Robbie and I have some awesome friends who have a new baby girl with a severe heart defect. We knew about this heart condition months before she was born, but now she is here and the baby and our friends are pretty much living at the hospital. I know how important it is to have close friends and family surrounding you in your time of need, especially when you are in the hospital. I must tell you that I have "delighted" in visiting and doing all kinds of things for my friends. It brings me great joy to do anything that lightens their load! I love it! I hate that they must endure this, but I am SO BLESSED AND THANKFUL to be at their disposal!

God, I praise you for my accident and for all the great things you have taught me! I am blessed by your grace and love! I stand in awe of you!

10 months!!

Ten months have past since my accident and it is amazing how far I have come. I wish I could move faster, but, healing is progressing well. I am walking more each week and the pain is getting lesser and lesser. I am not having to take pain meds as much as before.

I am working losing weight to lessen the impact of arthritis. I am down 21 pounds as of today. Pray that I can lose much more than this!

I will have to go back to work soon. My disability insurance is aggressively working to stop my monthly payments. They are so eager to get you money for their policies, yet they are more than eager to stop paying benefits!

My next doc appt is in August. I believe at that time, my surgeon will release me from his care.

I continue to do PT each week. It has been the biggest help. I will have to get some shoe inserts soon for my right foot to correct my walk.

Thank you so much for your prayers. God is so good and He continues to heal me and answer my prayers of healing!

Lesson #22

As time marches away from my accident date, people have gone on with their lives and the calls, visits, emails and cards have slowly dwindle. Loneliness has come.

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This lesson goes hand-in-hand with the last one I just posted. It happens. People will swarm around you at the initial beginning of the crisis. Then as time moves out, the crowds get thinner and thinner. It will seem like no one really cares anymore and you begin to feel lonely. Again, you emotional roller coaster is taking you for another ride. You must keep your focus on Jesus Christ and on serving other people. The more you focus inward, the deeper that loneliness hole becomes. Get up! Find someone else who is worse off than you and go make their day brighter. In doing so, you will make yours much brighter.

There is also a reverse lesson here all of us. When people are in a long-term recovery from a crisis and you have chosen to walk with them, then you must walk with them the entire distance. It is not a 100-yard dash...but a long distance marathon. We must be wise in our commitments to others. I am not bashing the "first responders". Robbie and I would have never made it without them too! They too serve a great purpose. But for those in your inner circle, those covenant relationships, those you have chosen to walk with...they are they ones you must stay with until the end. I am much closer and more committed to my inner circle today than I ever was before my accident. I will go the distance with them no matter what!

I have 8 more lessons to post. So stay with me! LOL

Lesson #21

I was not expecting a roller coaster ride on The Emotions Express…you have to know it is coming, be prepared to deal with it and not allow faulty emotions to steer your course.

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I still battle this everyday...and we are 9 months out from my accident! Your emotions will always steer you in the wrong directions. They are faulty, depraved, just messed up! LOL Don't get me wrong...I love emotions, but to rely on them as a life guide is just foolish! You are up one minute and down the next. Each day brings a different emotional response. When diversity comes, be ready for the Emotions Express. It will hit you like a ton of bricks and you must be alert and cautious. You will quickly get sucked into feeling sorrow for yourself. Actually, you will be drawn inward instead of outward. Keeping the focus on yourself during these times is the WORST thing you could ever do. You will never get any further than you are right now if you always focus on YOU. So, when these emotions come, let them come...it is natural, but never let them be your guide to what is right!

9 month Anniversary

My 9 month anniversary is approaching fast. Just amazing that so much time has past. My accident seems like yesterday, and yet, it seems like forever ago!

The healing is SLOW! It seems to be moving at a snail's pace. I must admit there are times when I think there is no healing going on...that I am stuck where I currently am. Then God allows some progress that changes my mind. Each week, the pain is becoming less and less and I am able to walk more normally and for longer periods of time. The continued physical therapy is really making the difference! The more I work these feet the more normal that become. Praise God!

I am working on losing weight. My doctor told me that I MUST lose some significant weight to lessen the arthritis that will come. As of today, I am down 16 pounds with another 70 to go. I have to do this...it is a must if I am ever going to get back to normal.

Thank you so much for your continue prayers. I know you are out there praying and I am so thankful to you for that! God continues to work and it is amazing to watch!

Lesson #20

I am not afraid of where I am going, but afraid to stay!

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This phrase comes from a secular song, but it struck me as true when I heard it soon after my accident. I have no idea where the path that God as set before me will take me. I know there are going to be many more experiences with Him. All of them wonderful because "everything works together for the good of them who are called according to His purposes", but some not without tears and sorrow. I am not afraid of the path or of what's to come. I am afraid of staying where I am right now; not moving, not advancing, not experiencing God any further than I already have. I can't stay here. I have to keep moving. I can't dwell on the past, I have to keep marching forward.

Friends with Wisdom

I have a friend who has dealt with tragedy in his life. For a short time, he was unable to walk and pretty much had to re-learn to walk. Along my journey of crushed heels, he has been an encouragement. Even now, he sends emails that a choked full of wisdom. For this, I am very grateful.

I wanted to share some of his wisdom.

When you have the privilege of experiencing a mountain top experience with God, you quickly want and desire to hold on to the experience as long as you can. You want nothing more than to keep the closeness of God and all of your Godly friends. But then, life begins to shift back and before you know it, you become discouraged and lonely. It is then when you must get your focus off of yourself and keep it on Jesus, the author and finisher of our faith.

It is not about whether people are praying or if they know that I am completely healed or not. It is NOT about ME! It is about using the experiences that God allows us to have for HIS glory and HIS honor. It is about impacting others and encouraging others by talking about how great our God is!

I continue to look forward to the things God has in store for me and my family. I very much look forward to any and all things that I can do to share my experiences with others so that God may be uplifted!

Lesson #18 &19

What you don't use, you lose!

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When you don't a muscle, it shrinks! My leg muscles are shrunk to half their normal size. And it took no time for it to happen. Wow! This has to be true in all other areas of life. To keep things razor sharp, they have to be used, trained and improved!

Do everything you can to remember!

History has a way of repeating itself. Look at the economy today. It resembles the Great Depression. How did we get here again? There are many theories and ideas. It is human nature to go from organized to complete disarray. One day we have it together and then we lose site of our ultimate goal and then we fall off the wagon. Mark my words, years from now, we will be in this same kind of economic problem again. It will happen!

The only way to learn from the storms of life is to do all you can to remember what happened and what you learned along the way. I have kept this journal to document all of my thoughts and feelings as life progresses out from Aug 9, 2008. The only way for me to look back and see what God has done is to keep track of it. So, if you don't want to repeat mistakes or if you want to grow in character, then you have to be able to remember things.....so when the storms hit, do all that you can to remember where you are, where you are going and where you have come. As I look back over this blog, I am reminded of all the great things I have conquered through the power of Jesus Christ!

A Lot To Catch Up On!

7 Month Anniversary

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I am completely amazed that today is my 7 month anniversary of my accident. In a very small way, it seems like yesterday, but for the most part, it seems like years ago. So much has happened over the past 7 months that much of it is a complete blur, yet the weekly physical therapy and the daily pain remind me of what my surgeon continues to tell me; recovery will be slow and painful! So daily, I am reminded of God's grace and the fact that I am still disabled and will be for many more months ahead.

My 6 month mark came and went without any notice. I am cool with that, but many times I wonder if people still pray for me. I am sure today will come and go just like the day did a month ago. I fully understand that it is human nature to move on. Time keeps marching, life continues on and the dust settles. Unfortunately, for many, needs are still great even if the dust has settled. I am reminded of this daily. If I only take one thing away from this experience (you can bet it will be more than 1 thing!), it is this...when I choose to walk with people through their storm, I will walk all the way, from start to finish. This is SO important....oh, SO important. Already, God has given Robbie and I opportunities to walk with our dearest of friends as they are in the middle of storms. To them, I pledge to be there from beginning to end. No matter what is cost me personally in time and money...I will be there when we walk out of the storm no matter the out-come!

Continue to pray for me. Healing is still in progress and I still have to devote a large portion of my day staying off my feet. In due time, God will heal me, completely, and this will not be the case. I love all of you and thank you in advance for your support and prayers!

Back To Work! STOP! Not So Fast There Cowboy!

Well, I thought I was ready to go back to work part time. I made the big announcement and reactivated some of my clients who were eagerly awaiting my return. I notified my disability insurance provided of this and they told me no more benefits! WAIT! HOLD ON! You mean it is all or nothing? Yep! You are either totally disabled or you are totally healed and back work! What a load of crap! They have been doing all they can to get me off disability and yet when I strive to slowly come off, they dump me. It is a crazy system. But I learned something and that is not to volunteer information. You can moral and honest and yet not give away your hand. I give to much away when it comes to information. Not again!

So, what am I doing? I am completely disabled, that is what I am doing. I had to get my surgeon to write a letter saying that he considers me completely disabled until he releases me. Not sure when that is going to be. But in the mean time, with a little bit of a fight, faith in God to fix this and a hope that knew He would, my benefits have been restored and I am focused on healing only. CRAZY!

Lesson #17

Not everyone will completely understand what you are going through and you should not expect them to.

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Actually, this is true for anyone who has experienced life struggles. Unless someone has walked in your shoes, they can't fully understand what you are going through. Yet, they will try in many different ways to understand or to connect with you.

People like to tell me stories of friends, family, themselves and even their pets that have succumb to some kind of accident involving some kind of broken bones in their ankles or feet. Yes, their pets! That one was my favorites. I am not sure how that relates to me, but this person felt they needed to tell me.

The lesson here is that people wish to connect to your difficulty is some way. In many cases, they have not experienced what you have experience. Yet, we should be thankful and patient, knowing that people are expressing their good will and love!

Another lesson here is that we all should be very wise and careful with our words when we are speaking with people who are in the middle of a trial. We all think we have to say something, just one little thing that will let the person know we are thinking of them or that we are very concerned about their situation, yet many times, our words are just not very helpful. I have to admit that many times, things people have said to me have made me feel much worse. And then I am reminded by the Holy Spirit to be patient and kind and to give people the benefit of the doubt!

Back To Work!!

5 Months, 15 Days

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I had another 6-week check up with my orthopedic surgeon on Thursday. He cleared me for going back to work part-time! This is so cool. In less than 6 months, I am able to start back to work! So I have contacted 2 of my monthly clients and asked them if I can start their service back up in February! Within minutes, I got a hearty YES from one of them. I am excited!

Continue to pray for me! The struggle is not over yet. Here are some specifics I need prayer for:

• I need to lose 60 lbs.
• My feet still hurt everyday. Pray that healing will continue and the pain will subside.
• Continue to work towards full use of both feet.
• Stop arthritis from setting in.
• Pray for complete restoration.

My next check-up is at my 1 year anniversary of my accident (week of Aug 9th). He will take another x-ray and if all looks good, he will release me completely.

Lesson #16

Prov 20:30—Sometimes it takes painful experiences to make us change our ways

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God allows trials in our lives for a reason. It is to teach us, to grow us, to bring us closer to Him! This verse in Proverbs teaches me that my best teaching environment is when there is a struggle. YES, I hate to struggle. NO, I never wish to fall through a ceiling again. BUT, I have learned to mighty great things that I would have never gotten through my thick head had it not been for my accident. You see, for us to learn something, or for that matter, to get us to change our ways, something has to get our attention. Sometimes, getting our attention is simple and easy, but many times, it takes some pain, even very bad pain to get our attention. I wish this were not true, but it is a reality.

Therefore, I am very thankful that God decided to spare my life, take the time to teach me some great things. Despite my stubbornness and wickedness, He still choose to work with me. What a marvelous gift and privilege!

Lesson #15

Your Family Is Going Through A Trial By Fire Too!

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I am not sure why I have this lesson as a separate one. Lesson #14 covered this, but I guess I wanted to remind myself that yes, my family is suffering right along with me, but I am not the only one that God is working with here. My family is in the trial by fire right along with me and there are lessons for them to learn as well. They may not be the same as mine, but they too are learning and growing in the Lord!

5 Month Anniversary

5 Months, 7 Days

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I let my 5 month anniversary go by without a post. The day was significant, believe me, 5 months since my accident and it feels like years. Honestly, I just forgot to post. Life has kicked back in and I am so happy to be a part of it again. Of course, the reality is that I have been doing too much and not spending enough time OFF my feet. I was so happy and excited to get back on my feet, that I forgot that I am not even half way through my expected 1 year recovery. The recovery, thanks to God, has been going so much better than expected that I just leap to my feet and started moving!

I am in my 2nd set of 6-week physical therapy sessions. I go 3 days per week. I am spending one day a week in what they call a gym (non-water therapy) and 2 days per week in the pool continuing my water therapy. I am completely out of my wheel chair and I rely on my crutches most of the time.

I am not sure when I will be able to go back to work. Walking and standing for long periods of time is still impossible. And that is something I must be able to do when I get back to personal cheffing.

I must tell you that I crossed what seems to be another threshold recently. I have noticed that the swelling in my feet is not as significant...even at the end of the day when I have been on them a lot. And the pain is not as strong. And good indicator of this is when I get up in the morning. Oh may, that is the worst pain of the day...getting my feet to start working after being in bed for 8 hours. PAIN!! But even that is not a bad as it has been. It was like one day I got up and things were 25% better in one bang. It is exciting!

My next doc appt is next week. It will be good to see what he has to say!!

Take care and thanks for keeping up with me!